Yea, that’s right, I’ve been really quiet in the last two weeks as I was sworn to secrecy over the interview with Poland’s freshly elected president.
My mate Brono
Of course, I had said that I was attending Heineken Opener, which I did but after the fest I was taken to a secret location, well, kinda secret, actually it was Komorowski‘s hometown of Oborniki Slaskie to interview the man himself.
I’ll spare you many of the details but I’ll say one thing, he makes an awesome hot-chocolate, but I’m not sure why he chose to give me hot-chocolate on a very warm July evening when a cold beer or even just a glass of water would’ve been sound. Although as the evening went on he did break out some kick-ass expensive Polish vodka.
Here follows the actual events of the conversation between me and Brono, yea, he likes being called Brono. He’s a massive U2 fan, actually, I think he only allowed the interview coz he thought I was Larry Mullen, U2‘s drummer.
Me: Well boss, how ya getting on?
Brono: Excuse me? What?
Me: How’s it hanging?
Brono: Err….
Me: Are you suckin’ diesel?
Brono: Oh, you speak too quickly, please more slowly.
Me: Jak sie masz?
Brono: Ah-ha, zajebiste, my friend.
Me: Congratulation on the big win, did you get out of your head on booze and drugs the night you won?
Brono: You bet your Irish ass I did, Mr. U2 drummer, well, only vodka and some Polish weed. Have you ever had Polish weed?
Me: Yea, I was at Heineken Opener last week and saw Cypress Hill and Damian Marley with Nas and the herb was enjoyed.
Brono: You like Cypress Hill too?
Brono breaks into a full verse and chorus of Insane in the Brain, he raps impressively.
Me: So, I gotta ask, what the deal with your middle name?
Brono: Maria?
Me: Yea, what’s up with that? You musta gotten your ass kicked in school?
Brono: I don’t want to talk about it (weeping)….yes, I was bullied a lot because I have a girls name…maybe that’s why I became a politician, to right some of the wrongs in the world. Me and your friend Bono have a lot in common you know.
Brono makes me some homemade Bigos
Me: You’re glasses are pretty wicked dude, who designed them for you? Could I get a pair for Bono?
Brono: Absolutely, I have like 100 pairs. Now that I’m president of the most awesomest country in the World, after maybe New Zealand, god I love smoking a bit and seeing those hobbits and their little hairy feet….they remind me of my presidental rival Jaroslaw Kaczynski. Oh, my Irish drummer friend, he had the funniest little feet, I’ve ever seen. We got baked one night and he showed me his feet, we laughed for hours. Oh your question, of course I’ll give a few pairs to Mr. Bono.
Me: You were Minister of Defence before?
Brono: Yes, it sucked ass, I had to shoot illegals trying to get over the border in Poland on my first day. On my second we went undercover and seized a ton of marijuana. What a night that was! Since then I’ve been totally against violence and hopefully we’re going to make grass a bit legal, like in Czech. Have you been to Czech Mr. Drummer? Have you tried their weed?
Me: Yea, I’ve been there…
Brono: Polish weed is far and away better.
Me: You were a scout weren’t you?
Brono: Oh my Irish friend you may know something about that lot of peadophiles, thankfully, I was a very ugly child and I was never molested. Actually, it may have had something to do with the fact that I have a girls middle name.
Me: Do you get down here to your hometown much?
Brono: No, I have to spend a lot of my time in that hellhole Warsaw. Have you been there? I hate it, smells bad and they drive like maniacs. Fake capital, I hate it, don’t tell anyone but I’m going to make Krakow the capital city again. It’s way better than Warsaw, especially the chicks. Warsaw chicks are so stuck up and are terrible in bed.
Me: You’re going to meet a lot of world leaders now that you’re the pres. Who are you looing forward to meeting and who are you dreading to meet?
Brono: Well, first and foremost, I cannot wait to meet Bono, I really love that guy, he’s such an inspiration. Him and Obama seem cool. I’d like to have a couple of cold Tyskie‘s with that dude. I don’t wanna meet that English koles Cameron though, he seems like a right boring git. Oh and I wanna party with Hugo Chavez, he’s the bomb. Maybe I’d like to smack the French guys, he thinks his poo doesn’t smell, but I’ve heard from your Prime Minister…
Me:….he’s called Taoiseach….
Brono: Sorry, your Taoiseach Brian Cowan…man he can really down pints of Guinness….anyway Cowan said that Sarkozy‘s poo, really smells really really bad, so I don’t understand why he looks so smug.
Me: Who you’re favourite band?
Brono: After your band with Mr. Bono I love Polish hip hop group Kaliber44, koles, they ruled. I also like a lot of Polish reggae/hip hop fusion music, like Wawamuffin, Alians, Izrael etc.
Brono and his favourite rubber duckie, Daffy
Me: I’ve read you’re a distant relation of some Polish royalty?
Brono: Almost true but they were from Belgium. I was there once, man Belgium is pretty but as boring as a Sunday church service. I hope I never have to go there again, although they have some rocket-fuel for beer. No marijuana though.
Me: Thanks Brono, lovely to meet you, any last words.
Brono: You too my drummer friend, last words….er…..er….as Peter Tosh sang in my favourite some…”legalize it”. Now, maybe you would like to sign a few of my CDs and tshirt, I have all your records……
Jan Paweł II gwałcił dzieci.
He probably did
So, yeah. I took my comments here cos you didn’t want the discussion on Twitter. You’re not the sharpest tool in the box are ya? Making up interviews with people and not posting a disclaimer to ensure people know it’s fake is lame, and with such information, might make it all right if the ‘interview’ was funny or satirical but this is just abysmally poor. It’s not funny or clever and just makes you out to be a fucking idiot! Sorry Paddy, I’ve tried you know but what exactly did you learn when studying journalism? You deserve to be deported and prosecuted for defamation of character.
Thanks for taking the time to come to my blog Nay but…quite obviously you didn’t read the whole article when you first read the retweet or however you came across the article.
If you had bothered to read it instead of just reading the first one of two paragraphs you’d have seen that it was a piss-take and then you wouldn’t have had to get you knickers in such a knot.
come on, like, the newly elected head of the Polish state talking openly about booze and drugs and then asking me to sign his U2 paraphernalia, how did you seriously think that it was for real?
I’ve had hundreds of hits and a great many diggs (well from Polish equivalent sites) about this post and the only person to get on their high-horse about it is you, a person hundred of miles away.
I don’t get why you even care, but thanks for the hits & traffic today, as I’ve said to you before, there’s no such things as bad publicity, unless maybe, you’re Brian Harvey
I knew it was farcial but I actually had to sleep on it to get my head around the idea of someone actually making up a completely false interview because they’re that starved of imagination. It’s so incredibly disrespectful to write about someone in this way, let alone the head of the country in which you reside. Journalists are supposed to have ethics and lines they don’t cross. You have none…you even joked about paedophilia, you absolute thoughtless, boorish cunt. Does the concept of libel mean nothing to you? Could you not even think of something funny or original instead of the usual shite about drugs and booze? I’d be fucking morto for you, as a poor knock-off wannabe who thinks his work can stand up to the likes of Charles Bukowski, William Burroughs or Hunter S. Thompson, who actually had the creative moxy to think outside the box. You’re so desperate to be a shock-factor gonzo writer but you can barely string a sensible thought together let alone a sentence. It’s actually hilarious to me, in a laughing AT you way, as I read this story about a bank robber who was so stupid he thought smearing lemon juice on his face would prevent CCTV from identifying him. He was so stupid, he didn’t realise he was too stupid to be a bank robber, and the same applies to you, you’re too stupid to realise you can’t write. You seem to think that as long as what you’ve spewed out is read, that equates to being good – it’s barely readable as it is. Not even The Sun would publish shit like this. And hahah, you try to defend it by calling it satire? The purpose of that is to use humour to highlight serious faults in a person – you have only succeeded in highlighting your own. I have tried to put up with the crimes against English that you’ve perpetrated in your time but ya just don’t learn. And it stretches so far back, you have FAILs after your name the way a doctor has letters. Talk about Brian Harvey? You’re his journalistic doppelganger, you fucking moron.
You are so predictable it’s tragic.
Pathetic even.
Why must you make things personal all the time?
You were obviously never taught how to hold an arguement, you’re method is just to stir up trouble and lambast people with foul language.
You talk about libel while you quite clearly don’t understand a thing about it.
You’ll probably reply with some more incendiary nonsense, please do. I may not be here all day but trust me your comment will be approved when I come home from a hard days work.
I also heard he has a tattoo of a unicorn on his balls.