All the old posts are there but it’s a brand spanking new look.

http://www.paddyinpoland.com/

Cheers and dzienki

My mate Brono

Of course, I had said that I was attending Heineken Opener, which I did but after the fest I was taken to a secret location, well, kinda secret, actually it was Komorowski‘s hometown of Oborniki Slaskie to interview the man himself.

I’ll spare you many of the details but I’ll say one thing, he makes an awesome hot-chocolate, but I’m not sure why he chose to give me hot-chocolate on a very warm July evening when a cold beer or even just a glass of water would’ve been sound. Although as the evening went on he did break out some kick-ass expensive Polish vodka.

Here follows the actual events of the conversation between me and Brono, yea, he likes being called Brono. He’s a massive U2 fan, actually, I think he only allowed the interview coz he thought I was Larry Mullen, U2‘s drummer.

Me: Well boss, how ya getting on?

Brono: Excuse me? What?

Me: How’s it hanging?

Brono: Err….

Me: Are you suckin’ diesel?

Brono: Oh, you speak too quickly, please more slowly.

Me: Jak sie masz?

Brono: Ah-ha, zajebiste, my friend.

Me: Congratulation on the big win, did you get out of your head on booze and drugs the night you won?

Brono: You bet your Irish ass I did, Mr. U2 drummer, well, only vodka and some Polish weed. Have you ever had Polish weed?

Me: Yea, I was at Heineken Opener last week and saw Cypress Hill and Damian Marley with Nas and the herb was enjoyed.

Brono: You like Cypress Hill too?

Brono breaks into a full verse and chorus of Insane in the Brain, he raps impressively.

Me: So, I gotta ask, what the deal with your middle name?

Brono: Maria?

Me: Yea, what’s up with that? You musta gotten your ass kicked in school?

Brono: I don’t want to talk about it (weeping)….yes, I was bullied a lot because I have a girls name…maybe that’s why I became a politician, to right some of the wrongs in the world. Me and your friend Bono have a lot in common you know.

Brono makes me some homemade Bigos

Me: You’re glasses are pretty wicked dude, who designed them for you? Could I get a pair for Bono?

Brono: Absolutely, I have like 100 pairs. Now that I’m president of the most awesomest country in the World, after maybe New Zealand, god I love smoking a bit and seeing those hobbits and their little hairy feet….they remind me of my presidental rival Jaroslaw Kaczynski. Oh, my Irish drummer friend, he had the funniest little feet, I’ve ever seen. We got baked one night and he showed me his feet, we laughed for hours. Oh your question, of course I’ll give a few pairs to Mr. Bono.

Me: You were Minister of Defence before?

Brono: Yes, it sucked ass, I had to shoot illegals trying to get over the border in Poland on my first day. On my second we went undercover and seized a ton of marijuana. What a night that was! Since then I’ve been totally against violence and hopefully we’re going to make grass a bit legal, like in Czech. Have you been to Czech Mr. Drummer? Have you tried their weed?

Me: Yea, I’ve been there…

Brono: Polish weed is far and away better.

Me: You were a scout weren’t you?

Brono: Oh my Irish friend you may know something about that lot of peadophiles, thankfully, I was a very ugly child and I was never molested. Actually, it may have had something to do with the fact that I have a girls middle name.

Me: Do you get down here to your hometown much?

Brono: No, I have to spend a lot of my time in that hellhole Warsaw. Have you been there?  I hate it, smells bad and they drive like maniacs. Fake capital, I hate it, don’t tell anyone but I’m going to make Krakow the capital city again. It’s way better than Warsaw, especially the chicks. Warsaw chicks are so stuck up and are terrible in bed.

Me: You’re going to meet a lot of world leaders now that you’re the pres. Who are you looing forward to meeting and who are you dreading to meet?

Brono: Well, first and foremost, I cannot wait to meet Bono, I really love that guy, he’s such an inspiration. Him and Obama seem cool. I’d like to have a couple of cold Tyskie‘s with that dude. I don’t wanna meet that English koles Cameron though, he seems like a right boring git. Oh and I wanna party with Hugo Chavez, he’s the bomb. Maybe I’d like to smack the French guys, he thinks his poo doesn’t smell, but I’ve heard from your Prime Minister…

Me:….he’s called Taoiseach….

Brono: Sorry, your Taoiseach Brian Cowan…man he can really down pints of Guinness….anyway Cowan said that Sarkozy‘s poo, really smells really really bad, so I don’t understand why he looks so smug.

Me: Who you’re favourite band?

Brono: After your band with Mr. Bono I love Polish hip hop group Kaliber44, koles, they ruled. I also like a lot of Polish reggae/hip hop fusion music, like Wawamuffin, Alians, Izrael etc.

Brono and his favourite rubber duckie, Daffy

Me: I’ve read you’re a distant relation of some Polish royalty?

Brono: Almost true but they were from Belgium. I was there once, man Belgium is pretty but as boring as a Sunday church service. I hope I never have to go there again, although they have some rocket-fuel for beer. No marijuana though.

Me: Thanks Brono, lovely to meet you, any last words.

Brono: You too my drummer friend, last words….er…..er….as Peter Tosh sang in my favourite some…”legalize it”. Now, maybe you would like to sign a few of my CDs and tshirt, I have all your records……

There’s only one way to do this, there’s a lot to get through. I’ve done 45 bands in all, but no Headliners.

I’ll put a link for each band and their genre and I’ll put  a wee note beside it about what I think of them.

I hope this will be useful for you. This’ll be my third Heineken Opener and every year I’ve come away from it delighted to have “discovered”  some cool new Polish music, even though the band may have been playing in Poland for years and years.

Ok, enough of me rattling on, let’s get the ball rolling.

3Moonboys

Alternative/Electro-Indie/Post-Rock

Really cool sounding band, not afraid to experiment either, should be very good.

52um

Rock/Alt Rock

I’m on the fence here, they wanna sound Sonic Youth, but don’t, maybe live they’ll pull it off, as their Myspace material isn’t all that experimental and sounds a bit soft-rock.

Alains

Ska/Reggae/Folk

These will be great so long as the sun is belting down and the beer is flowing.

Bester Quartet

Folk/Alt Folk/Experimental/Jazz

If you’re into experimental Jazz tempos and drums mixed with traditional instruments then this’ll be the thing for you. Think Gogol Bordello but really really stoned.

Boryska

Instrumental/Experimental/Ambient

Lots of piano and some sweeping electro. Quite experimental too. But a bit meh and a bit too far up it’s own ass.

Brasil And The Gallow Brothers Band

Alt/Ambient/Psychelilica

With a name that naff they must be great? Yea, they are. They like to experiment with sounds, but you may have to be in a certain  mind-frame to fully appreciate their music, if you catch my drift.

Dead Snow Monster

Garage/Indie/Grunge

If you liked the old White Stripes you’ll love this band, but they’re far better than that. Gotta go see these.

Gra Pozorow

Indie/Rock/Alt

Good solid UK indie influenced rock band, along the lines of Editors and the like. Should be very good in the Polish sunshine, but will be crap if it’s raining.

Indigo Tree

Indie/Rock/Shoegaze

Very interesting Polish band and would well be worth checking out if you like your Indie soaked with Shoegaze tones.

Irena

Pop/Rock

Nothing you haven’t heard a million times before. Boring.

Jacaszek

Electro/Ambient/Chill

Sweeping landscapes of music are the order of the day here, if you’re into music that been inspired by the Icelandic heavyweights of instrumentals you’ll enjoy this

Julia Marcell

Pop/Classical

She has a wonderful voice but I can’t see this being very good at a festival, small intimate club yes but not a festival. Music is a bit too melodramatic and lacks a punch.

Dreadsquad

Reggae/Dubstep/Electro

Poland has a strong tradition of quality reggae inspired bands and here’s another one. Grab a beer,  smoke a…cigarette and get the grove to the rhythm.

Karolina Glazer

Jazz

She has a really really annoying Flash website, she can sing but, so what, it’s jazz and jazz sucks.

Kiev Office

Alt Rock/New wave/Indie

A band that love driving beats and will get a crowd jumping up and down for sure, well worth checking out for any New Wave fans

kIRk

Electro/Industrial/HipHop

Alternative thinking mans hiphop this one here, very cool and ought to be checked out.

Klimt

Post Rock/Showgaze/Ambient

Mogwai mixed with God is an Astronaut topped off with a bit of Sigur Ros, fantastic, cannot wait to see this band.

Kyst

Lo-Fi/Alt-Indie/Experimental

Bit of a melting pot here. One moment sounding very Americana then changing to Post Rock, these could be good but they’re a bit directionless sounding.  Might be worth checking out for a half hour.

L.Stadt

Rock/New Wave/Pop

Check out their song Ciggies, a wonderful piece of guitar pop. These have a few belters in them so you should get along to whichever tent they’re playing in.

L.U.C

Hip Hop/Trip Hop/Jazz Funk

Tripped out Hip Hop, very chilled out at times and with the odd Jazz instrument now and again. Good if you’re into a more intelligent Hip Hop thank your typical crap about bling and bitches.

Lao Che

Alternative Indie/Indie/Experimental

Interesting band but they sometimes go a bit too “far out” on their tunes and can be a bit over self-indulgent. However if you’re into more experimental sounding music this might be your bag baby.

Let The Boy Decide

Americana/Electro Folk/Acoustic

If you like Neil Young then you’ll cream your pants for these guys, the singer even sings a bit like him. Sprinkle it with some Mercury Rev influenced pop hook and you’ve got Let The Boy Decide.

Letters From Silence

Acoustic/Folk

Unlike the previous band, this band are very much an inward looking band and will probably be pretty boring live.

London Type Smog

Electro Rock/Indie/ New Wave

This band will probably put on a pretty good show, the songs are laden with a heavy bass drum which will get everyone moving. Imagine a happier Depeche Mode mixed Joy Division and you’ve got London Type Smog.

Łaki Łan

Funk/Alt-Electro/Shock Disco (whatever that is!)

These guys cannot simply be described, they’re all over the place, but they are pretty freaking cool, guaranteed to get your ass moving. They’ll probably put on a fantastic live show. Elements of trad, funk, metal and hip hop, check out the link and the video below and make up your own mind.

Marika

Pop/R’n'B/Reggae

R’n'B influenced Reggae, and it’s actually worse than it sounds in real life than on paper. Avoid.

Merkabah

Metal/Thrash Metal/Gothic

Actually these are Polish they’re Canadian, but whatever I guess loads of people won’t have heard of them.  Riff-tastic metal band with tons of goth influences/imagery, they’re a bit naff but some of their tunes are pretty good especially when the double bass drum gets a pounding.

Mitch and Mitch

Chill/New Jazz

This band should’ve soundtracked the first Austin Powers movie, instrumental 60s and 70s influenced chill out music. Imagine if The Shadow munched a load of magic mushrooms then this is what they’d have sounded like.

Ms. No One

Alternative/Electro

Get Múm and Ladytron into a cat fight and hey presto Ms. No One. Probably Bjork influenced too, I’ll be heading a long to see this band for sure.

Muariolanza

Ambient/Nu-Jazz

This kind of music can be cool in the right setting, like a hip and trendy cocktail bar, but in my experience at a festival it just gets a bit monotonous. Maybe they’ll pull off a good show, but it all sounds a bit boring to me.

Muchy

Indie/Rock

Another British indie influenced band, will probably put on a good show and pull a good crowd as they’ve had a couple of radio hits in Poland. For fans of the likes of Doves, Editors, The Drums.

Najakotiva

Electro/Post Rock/Electro Orchestra

Electronic music mashed with traditional orchestra sounds, they could well be epic on stage. Completely different than any other of the bands so far, you should at least check them out for being truly original . Some of their songs build to epic proportions.

Niwa

Chill/Down Tempo/Lounge

Really well executed music along the lines of RJD2 and early Flying Lotus. Niwa’s soulful set will be the perfect complement to a sunny afternoon.

Novika

Dance/Electro

Roisin Murphy and Moloko were, and still are huge in Poland and Novika is likely to be a product of such influence. With some really excellent tunes, Novika may well provide a very memorable set.

NP

Hip Hop/Alternative/Electro

It’s hip hop but not like you’ve heard before, this is a proper cross over between alternative electro and hip hop. This will sound awesome when blasted out through massive speakers and may likely scare the be-jaysus out of some festival revellers. Fantastic stuff.

Oranzada

Avant-Garde/Pop/Alternative

This band’s take on pop music won’t be to everyone liking but for those of you into more experimental music then this might be up your alley. Go with an open mind and you may be surprised.

Pablopavo

Hip Hop/Reggae/Electro

Alternative hip hop, some great beats and melodies for you hip hop fans. The vocalist of also a member of the awesome Vavamuffin a dub influenced hip hop group.

Pasimito

New Jazz/Electro/Rock

It’s hard to pull of the new jazz thing and not sound completely self-indulgent but this Katowice band somehow manage it. By using pop influenced hooks they keep everything sounding fresh and engaging…most of the time, when it gets too jazzy that’s when it borders on bollox.

Paula i Karol

Folk/Pop/Acoustic

Acoustic music that’ll bore you to within an inch of your life. Unoriginal in every aspect, they sound stop playing music an become accountants.

Pleq

Down-Tempo/Electro/Experimental

Stoner music right here for all you leaf smokers. Again setting will play a large part in how this goes down, this isn’t music for a 3pm chill out, it’s music for about 4am as the buzz of the day’s festivities begins to fade and you want something to relax to. How and ever the tunes and melodies are quite good and Pleq certainly know their craft.

Popkultura

Rock

Straight out, no frills rock and roll. For fans of bands like Bruce Springsteen, Stereophonics. Not bad, just not very original.

Psio Crew

Folk/Electro Folk

If this band doesn’t have you dancing and enjoying the sunshine then you have no soul and you need to kill yourself. Mixing elements of Slavic trad. music with modern pop you’ll be hooked after the first few beats. Great drinking music!

Soniamiki

Pop/Electro

Pop music can be good when it’s in the right hands and handled properly, this is all a bit meh though. Uninspiring and a bit lacklustre, falls flat on its face at the first hurdle. Boring.

The Lollipops

Indie/Surf/Rock

A little bit of originality goes a long way and The Lollipops bring that, their sound is influenced by early surf but it’s also got an element of filth about it. They’ll probably turn it up s a live band and get the crowd going too.

Natural Born Chillers

Drum ‘n’ Bass/ Breakbeat/ Hip Hop

Not Polish either but maybe not so well-known as the headliners. This will be fantastic at 2am, get on your dancing shoes and get into the groove. Will be brilliant live and will doubtlessly get the crowd pumping.

We Call It A Sound

Pop/Electro

Pretty good electro band not afraid to be both experimental and pop sounding at the same time. A little bit too down-tempo for a festival maybe but, again it depends on the setting and where they play. Well worth checking out though, their tunes are very good.

Well, that’s it.

Enjoy the festival, hope to see you there.

Heineken Opener

It will involve buses though.

Big Sexy Blue Bus

It took us all day and we got some really fantastic stuff and it’s a pity there isn’t more of it.

There’s plenty of graffiti around the cities but most of it is crappy football slogans. I love football, but come on guys if you’re gonna do graffiti at least do something that looks cool instead of just slaggin off each other’s crap football teams.

I’m not gonna upload all the images onto the blog but click here and you can see the rest of the images.

If you know of any other places around Katowice, then please contact me above and I’ll check them out.

This type of enquiry could be for a couple of reasons, Poland was the only country whose economy grew last year in the EU zone and is looking more attractive to immigrants. Also the fact that more and more people now have Polish friends in their home countries that it has led to a curiosity about their friend’s homeland.

Last week, I felt the warm silky breath of a middle-aged man on the back of my neck while I queued to pay for my spuds

Anyway, to quell the fierce thirst for knowledge about the mighty Rzeczpospolita Polska, that’s Republic of Poland for us English speakers.

PKP Train Station, Katowice

Speaking of England and the English there’s a common stereotype held by the Tommies that they are the world leaders at the extreme sport of Queuing. This, of course, is a self-held belief that nobody queues quite like the English.

I fear that I must drown that stereotype in a bath of ice-cold Polish vodka. To be honest the best queuers in the world are The Germans.

Queuing in Germany is a joy, nobody pushes, everyone is quiet, no morons shouting down phone. If they are on the phone, other queuers are respected and nobody stands too closely together. But the best is that when the queue moves forward, while you are daydreaming, the person behind you will politely touch your shoulder and ask you to move forward.

So what’s this got to do with Poland, well my friends it’s like this. The English think they can queue, The Germans are the world leaders but the Poles haven’t got a clue when it come to queuing.

I’ve been told, umteen times and I do need to add that the reason the Poles are so bad at queuing is because of the former Communist regime. You simply had to queue for everything and like Homer Simpson has said in the past, the harder we push the quicker we get there. Of course, it was a sad state of affairs and I’m thankful that I wasn’t around during that time, but here’s the thing. That finished in 1989, why the hell has nobody learnt how to queue properly in over twenty years.

People stand on top of each other, last week in Tesco, I felt the warm silky breath of a middle-aged man on the back of my neck while I queued to pay for my spuds. After 5 minutes of his huffing and puffing onto the back of my neck, I had had enough. I turned around to find myself staring at his massive chest and said to myself, ok you’ve turned around now, don’t chicken out, so I looked up and into his eyes and said very slowly, “If you stand any closer you’ll have to at least buy me a drink first”. Now, of course, he didn’t understand, so I mimed to him to move the hell away from me, he mumbled something and I mimed again to him that I didn’t really like being breathed on. He moved away and I won the battle.

But the war? Well that’s a different kettle of Koi fish. If you come to Poland be prepared to have people standing right up your ass, way too close for comfort. The whole notion of personal space in Poland is a good 50cm smaller than in Ireland or Britain.

Here’s a few tips for queuing in Poland

1. Speak loudly on the phone in your foreign language, that’ll freak the older people out.

2. Turn around and engage in conversation, that’ll really freak people out, especially old women. Oh, just to say, old women in Poland are akin to a very strict battalion of crack commandos. Don’t mess with them unless you’re sure you can win.

3. Swear like a mofo, even though people may not be able to understand English, most people will know the swear words from television.

4. Fart.

5. Make sure everything that you eat has a content of at least 60% garlic.

6. Drink plenty of beer and belch like a warthog.

Here are some useful phrases for when you are queuing in Poland

1. You smell pretty,

Ladnie pachniesz.

2. If you get any closer you’ll need to buy me breakfast in the morning,

Jeżeli podejdziesz jeszcze bliżej będziesz musiała kupić mi śniadanie jutro rano

3. Usually people buy me a drink before they enter me from behind.

Zwykle ludzie najpierw stawiaja mi drnika zanim zachodzą mnie od tyłu.

4. Your body odour is lovely, come and stand closer to me.

Twoj zapach ciała jest cudowny, czy mogę przystanąć nieco bliżej?

5. No, please, really stand closer, you’re a very beautiful 70 year old woman.

Nie proszę, stań bliżej, jesteś naprawdę piękna 70-letnią kobietą.

6. God, I am so horny right now.

Boże, jestem teraz taki napalony.

7. Are you on Facebook? Twitter? Can I have your link, we should network.

Jesteś na Facebooku? Twitterze? Czy mogę zostać jednym z Twoich znajomych?

8. Any chance of a quick snog while your husband is gone to the toilet?

Twój mąż wyszedł do toalety. Jakieś szanse na szybki pocałunek?

9. I’m not gay but man, you’re really tempting me.

Nie jestem gejem, ale facet naprawdę mnie kusisz.

Or it all else fails,

10. F*ck off, you’re standing way too close to me.

Odpieprz się, stoisz o wiele za blisko.

The world has Facebook, Myspace etc, Poland has Nasza Klasa, a crap website when you reconnect with your old schoolmates, why anybody would want to bother reconnecting with old schoolmates though if hard for me to fathom.

The world has Twitter, Poland has Blip although to be fair, Blip is way way better than that Nasza Klase muck.

But the best is Allegro, the world uses eBay & Amazon Poland uses Allegro. Now, it’s a pretty good site, tons and tons of stuff to buy, but the best feature, by far, is that you don’t need a credit card or PayPal account to pay for stuff, you can transfer money from your bank account to the seller. Easy-Peasy.

Anyway, as usual there are many dumbasses on Allegro selling stuff and the many of them cannot use a camera properly. There’s tons of mistakes and for some reason, loads of pics with extras in the background, half-naked men. And feet, loads of feet.

Check this site out, I’ve been looking at it for hours today. Aaaby Sprzedac, it’s up there and probably as good as Lamebook. Check out the side link and be sure to click the erotica link for some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever seen.

David Norris

Now that the dust has settles on the Katyn Tragedy, it seems likely that Jaroslaw Kaczynski, brother of dead president Lech, will be the next president of Poland.

Of course, everyone will have an opinion on the man and his politics. Not that I can vote in Poland but if I could it would most certainly not be for him.

However, I would like to stress to my Polish readers please not to vote for him and not for political reason, here’s why…

I want Senator David Norris to be the first gay president in the world….He’s intelligent and articulate and would make a fine president of Ireland and best of all the fact that he’s openly gay Ireland would be showing that we are a progressive and liberal country, although the new BS surrounding the Headshops may go against that. I do honestly believe that Ireland is a forward thinking and mostly liberal country.

Herein lies my problem with Kaczynski, the man could completely steal Norris‘ thunder as the world’s first gay president. I’m not going to go into his political views, there’s plenty of stuff on the internet about all that mumbo-jumbo. What really annoys me is that he will not come out of the closet fearing that it will end his career.

I couldn’t care less that he’s gay, naw, the opposite, just don’t be lieing to the people that you’ll be ruling over. Although if he did come out then none of the Catholic right would vote for him.

Oh and how do we know he’s homosexual, coz he lives at home with his mum and his cats.

So to reiterate, don’t vote for Kaczynski, we want Norris to be the first gay president.